Thursday, July 22, 2010

Invention of the Day

Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman. Especially when you’re expected to listen to other women talk about giving birth. I’m pretty sure men are never subjected to these stories, and it’s really unfair.

If there’s one thing that mothers and pregnant women love, it’s sharing horrifying stories in which they try to one-up each other in describing the various bodily functions and issues involved in pregnancy.

I remember going to a wedding once where the bride was pregnant, and almost all of her female friends were either recent mothers or about to give birth. I learned a lot at the pre-wedding ladies’ brunch. In fact, I learned so much that lost my appetite.

After that experience, I decided that the only way that I would be willing to have children of my own would be if science intervened. It was the beginning of an idea - one that just requires some minor R&D to make it happen.

But before I get to that, let me just address one common criticism. I know there are some people who think that it’s all magic and rainbows to carry a child. A few people I’ve run this past may have made comments like “cold” and “inhuman”. Well, I bet they said those things about the telephone and email. And I ask – how many of you have even met all 865 of your Facebook “friends”?

It's high time we redefine everything. Let's start with the womb. We’ve had years to endure v 1.0. Let’s make the next version with the users in mind.

I see a lot of benefits.

First and foremost, it’s never been fair that women have had to give up their favorite things for 9 months. Life may be nasty, brutish, and short, but being able to eat soft cheese whenever you want makes it a little more bearable.

The pain of labor may be fleeting, but the weight gain can last.

With the External Womb, you’ll never put on a pound and can even lose weight right up until your “delivery” date!

Based on my very rudimentary understanding, there are a lot of tests and doctor’s appointments involved in pregnancy. With The External Womb, you don’t have to deal with any of that.
Who needs an ultrasound when you can see the baby with your own two eyes?!

I understand that older siblings sometimes have a difficult time adjusting when a new baby arrives. With The External Womb, you can ease that transition by making your baby part of the family before he or she is even born.

Finally, a lot of parents to-be do silly things, like reading the classics to their babies in the womb. I mean - is there something that The Odyssey is going to teach your baby about life in the modern world?

With The External Womb, you can do a lot better than that.


Emily Fisher said...

Yes, but does it go "cha-ching, popcorn!" when the baby is born?

Girl1 said...


Though whether it will actually *make* popcorn is a different question.

I was thinking it would be cool if you could attach it to household appliances - for example, Roomba - to alert your child to the fact that you are primarily having him or her to take care of household chores. But then I decided that quickly descends into areas of poor taste. Fetuses are already kind of a touchy subject.