Friday, August 04, 2006

Excuse Me ... I Desperately Need to Drain My Slide ...

In honor of today being almost, but not quite, Friday, girl2 and I want to share some of our favorite consultant-isms with you. Note the perverse need to equate the most mundane events with sexual acts or bodily functions. And, yes, we've actually heard all of these around the office.
  • Drain the slide. To talk through a PowerPoint slide in exhaustive detail. Commonly used when time is running short during a presentation or used as a cover when one wants to page quickly past something he or she does not understand. You all know how to read, so I'm not going to drain the slide.
  • Heavy lifting. The difficult portion or majority of the work. I'm going to have to do the heavy lifting on this - I know Mary can really only handle stapling the deliverable!
  • Sanity check. A read-through or doublecheck of something that was probably written at the last minute. Jen, could you take a look at this white paper? I really need a sanity check on some of these ideas.
  • Big hat, no cattle. A person who has authority on paper, but no assets, such as staff or budget. Don't bother meeting with Tom - he's just big hat, no cattle.
  • Blowin' and goin'. Taking off without a care in the world. Well, looks like it's Friday afternoon, so I'm blowin' and goin'!
  • Up in every orifice. Repeatedly questioning or bothering. John is up in every orifice of mine about the budget.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Reassurance Weasels and Other Neurotic Animals

I broke up with my long-term boyfriend in February. Of course I looked at his website to see what he was up to. There was the regular inventory of photos of his cats. A business school trip to China. Otherwise there was nothing new ... hold on ... except a photograph of a kitten I had never seen before, with the simple caption "Maxie - the cute orange kitten.”

Who does this kitten belong to?

Why the effusive caption?

I forwarded my mother the link to his website. Nevermind China, or the tenured cats, contentedly representing the status quo, the orange kitten was the first and only thing she saw. She asked me the unanswerable. "Who is Maxie?"

"I don't know," I replied. "She probably belongs to his parents or his new lady love."

Minutes later: "Probably.”

She didn’t! (I connected the "probably" to "new lady love.”)

I emailed some friends angrily, "Why is my mother trying to push my buttons?!"

My most honest friend - sitting on a perch only an engaged woman has admission to - was the first and only to response to my electronic outcry: "The poor woman was supposed to say, 'There's no way he would get a kitty with anyone else, sweetiepie!'? You're such a reassurance weasel."

I stared at those two words indignantly: reassurance and weasel. Seeking ... hm ... sympathy, I IM girl2.

girl1: i can't believe she called me that. i hate her
girl1: i AM a reassurance weasel
girl1: i need to stop
girl2: everyone is
girl1: i'm pretty bad though
girl2: i am refraining from saying you are not

I rest my case.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Birth of a Blog

The following (nearly complete) transcript follows the harrowing, painful labor that brought our little dream into the world ...

girl1: what are we going to talk about on our blog?
girl2: maybe we should have a few themes
girl1: yes
girl2: let's brainstorm!
girl2: pop culture
girl2: work
girl2: funny daily stories and rants
girl1: personal life is out, since we have none
girl2: we can have a place holder
girl2: or like 1,004 days and girl2 still hasn't gone out on a date
girl1: you mean we're not devoting this to my cat?
girl2: so….
girl2: our tone?
girl2: self-effacing
girl2: caustic
girl2: insightful
girl1: yes
girl2: yes
girl2: we could create a thermometer
girl2: a status on our lives
girl1: ok!
girl2: we could post our conversations on various topics
girl1: yes!
girl1: but we will have to mask our names
girl2: yes
girl2: i don't want to piss anyone off or get fired
girl1: that would be bad
girl1: like washingtonienne
girl2: it could turn into one of those "my best friend stole my diary" scenarios
girl2: and i already have so few friendsgirl1: i am very secretive
girl2: what else
girl2: frankly, i am doing all the brainstorming here
girl1: i know
girl1: i hate brainstorming
girl1: i just let everyone else take over
girl1: and then reject things
girl2: i see that
girl2: so what ideas do you like so far
girl1: (a) convos between us
girl2: yes
girl1: (b) news [out - boring]
girl2: ok
girl1: (c) funny daily stories and rants
girl1: (d) pop culture
girl1: (e) work
girl1: (f) status of lives
girl1: ummmmm ....
girl1: what else?
girl1: i want to include the signs from the bathroom
girl1: but that would easily out us
girl2: we could post this exchange
girl1: i think we should
girl2: as the birth
girl1: the birth of the blog!
girl2: we are so good
girl1: we really are
girl1: even though everyone else reading it will be bored
girl2: but
girl1: yes?
girl2: can we clean up my spelling?
girl1: no
girl2: i have a reputation
girl1: for what? bad spelling?
girl1: yes, you do
girl2: we did the unbelievable
girl1: what?
girl2: we have legitimized our IM addiction
girl1: ha!
girl2: i wish we still had the picture of the lady pointing at you while you take a crapper
girl2: maybe i still have it
girl1: okay ... so i like the life thermometer or whatever it is idea
girl1: i think it's about work and life
girl2: ok
girl1: weird things
girl2: ok
girl1: whatever
girl1: are we closer?
girl1: i'm sure it will evolve over time
girl1: like all good things
girl2: this is going to be the modern girl's version of waiting for godot
girl1: yes
girl1: exactly
girl2: I LIKE IT
girl1: ME TOO
girl2: can i pretend i am not 31?
girl1: you can pretend to be however old you want to be
girl1: you are 24
girl2: thanks
girl2: 27 was my best year
girl1: fine
girl1: oh, btw
girl2: yes
girl1: we will have to edit out any snarky comments about our friends in our IM exchange
girl2: yes, yes
girl2: we will edit
girl2: BUT
girl2: that includes spelling
girl1: yes
girl1: okay
girl1: fine
girl1: that includes your spelling
girl2: we will title it birth of a blog
girl1: i love that we had that long conversation just to say this is a blog about nothing
girl2: perfect really
girl1: i know
girl2: but
girl1: yes?
girl2: i still need a cookie
girl2: i guess i have an apple
girl2: close enough
girl1: i think you're substituting cookie for something else
girl2: probably