The Latest Wrinkle in the War on Drugs

A friend (yes, just a friend, but still my Valentine) sent me this oh-so-timely article:

http://www.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/02/14/love.science/index.html

Just when it looked like all those ad campaigns were successful, ONDCP has to reckon with the research finding that cocaine is the cure for a broken heart.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the bathroom ...

For some time, the bathroom at the office building where girl2 and I work has featured signs like this one, both inside the stalls and on the bathroom walls, telling employees to remember that their mamas don't work here.

Damn right no lady would leave her stall untidy!

Nor could she resist ripping down the signs as soon as they went up. Why? Is it the overly formal lingo that euphemistically calls peeing on the toilet seat "slovenly behavior"? Is it that removing those signs feels like an act of rebellion against company incursions into her private life? Is it that she knows the men's room has no such signs? Hard to say.

But it has become clear that the anonymous sign-maker has both PowerPoint and an unwavering commitment to bathroom cleanliness on his or her side. As soon as a sign is torn down, a new one is put up in its place. And not just the same sign, printed out again. No! A brand new sign with different clip art and ultra-clever phrasing. But always the same message. To which I say ... fight on brave warrior ... fight on.

Though if you are responsible for the "air fresheners" that look like a gelatinous blue sea creature living in a tub near the sink ... I'm not touching those.

"If you are not confident, you will always find a reason not to win"

Say you have been accepted by a top-notch grad school in a foreign country (in this case, the U.S.). Say you're a little short on cash, but you need a visa. Suddenly things aren't looking so good. What do you do?

How about ... contact Career Services at your future grad school and see if they can put you in touch with an alum who now works at "Company X", which recruits there! With a dash of luck, a splash of charm, and a deluge of hubris, you'll be golden! Witness below (all names have been changed to protect the ... um ... innocent. We'll call them Jane and John):

***********************************************************************************

From: John
Sent: Thu 2/1/2007 7:35 AM
To: Jane @ Company X
Subject: resume of John(referred by Career Services Office of Grad School X)

Hi,

Please find my professional resume. Kindly confirm.

Thanks & Regards,John

Investment Banking Solutions Group
Company No One Has Ever Heard Of
"If you are not confident,you will always find a reason not to win"

***********************************************************************************

From: Jane @ Company X
Sent: Thursday, February 01, 2007 7:53 PM
To: John
Subject: RE: resume of John (referred by Career Services Office of Grad School X)

Thank you for forwarding, John. I will do my best to get your resume into the right channels. Please don't hesitate to follow up with me - maybe in a week or two.

Jane

***********************************************************************************
From: John
Sent: Wed 2/7/2007 6:52 AM
To: Jane @ Company X
Subject: RE: resume of John (referred by Career Services Office of Grad School X)

Hi Jane,

Sorry for asking you a little earlier. Do you need any other documents like proof of offer from Grad School X?

Regards,

John

"If you are not confident,you will always find a reason not to win"

***********************************************************************************

From: Jane @ Company X
Sent: Wednesday, February 07, 2007 8:37 PM
To: John
Subject: RE: resume of John(referred by Career Services Office of Grad School X)

John --

I just want to be sure that I have set your expectations appropriately. I am going to submit your resume into hiring channels. It will be the decision of the recruiters whether there is a hiring need that your experience can address.

Of what I know, the company does not sponsor graduate school unless the employee has worked for the firm for a few years and meets other very specific performance criteria.

As I learn more, I will be in touch, but I also do not want you to have unrealistic expectations.

Best,

Jane

***********************************************************************************

From: John

Sent: Wed 2/7/2007 11:42 PM
To: Jane @ Company X

Subject: RE: resume of John (referred by Career Services Office of Grad School X )

Hi Jane ,

Thanks for your comprehensive email.

Yes, I am aware that company does not sponser any students who did not work there.But I had seen in an internet page that Company X was providing scholarships for American students who are starting their studies..I may be wrong.

My expectations are

1. Company X should be ok with my joining for a few months and then taking a sabbatical for 2 years.

2.If they could give me some benefits regards to internship opportunities then it would be great.

Time is running out unfortunately and I have come up with some thing to get I-20 and study at Grad School X .

I am ready for any interview at any time.

Btw how were the master's program, internship opportunities and international exposure?

Regards,

John"
If you are not confident,you will always find a reason not to win"

Get This Grease Monkey Off My Back!

So if you've ever spent more than a day or two in my company, you know that I have a dark secret. At first it might not seem like a big deal. You might say to yourself, "Oh, I've done that before" ... "It doesn't really seem like a problem" ... "Otherwise she's kind of normal".

That's right. I'm girl1 and I'm a chapstickoholic. Although I prefer to think of myself as a ... connoisseur. Addiction gets such a bad rap.

It started out simply. Basic black Chapstick every so often. No big deal. I could quit any time. Then it started. A few days after application, I could feel my lips getting dry. Simple solution: another application. People started to notice and mock. But shaming didn't stop me. I reached again and again for that little tube, until it was daily ... and finally ... hourly.

Then I started to wonder ... is basic black really the best? I mean, there's no flavor other than a faint taste of Vaseline ... what about cherry? And it's waxy ... what about that yellow stuff in a little pot? And that, friends, was the beginning of my descent into the hell of everything from Dr. Pepper flavoring to sparkly blue gloss to medicated balms.

Now I carry it in my pockets. I check before I go out to make sure I have it with me. I can't just keep it in my bag or coat, because I might put those things down somewhere while I'm at a party and it would be awkward to leave the conversation I'm in to run and fetch it. (Much less so to smear it on my lips as I talk). I noticed in pictures from my birthday party this year that there's a snapshot of me with a drink in one hand and gloss in the other. And it doesn't end there. At night I tuck myself in and nestle a tube right next to my bed.

I almost have things under control now. I have a brand I prefer - and highly recommend if you're into that sort of thing: Burt's Bees. It's kind of minty and not petroleum-based, so it's okay that I'm essentially eating a tube of it every two weeks, right? Sometimes I can fool myself into thinking that all in all, it's pretty harmless.

Unfortunately, I learned too late that my minty monkey was nothing but a 400-pound gateway drug gorilla. Sure, my lips were nice and greasy ... but what about my hands? Every time I washed them, they started to feel dry ... ick! So now I carry lotion with me everywhere I go.

But it's okay; I make it work. I just wax up and try to forget the subterfuge, desperation, and begging that ensued when a TSA screener confiscated my gooey collection of goodies (which tipped the scales at more than 3 ounces) right before a 5-hour flight ...

Cleaning is Very, Very, Very Devilish

Girl2 and I share a hatred of housework, so I know that she understands when I say that I have no problem living amongst the odds and ends of my daily life. Over the years, however, well-meaning family members and friends have expressed in no uncertain terms that they hold my apartment to a higher standard than that to which I have become accustomed.

I know that you, dear readers, can sympathize with my scorn for silly social norms like loading the dishwasher after every meal (best to wait until you have a nice big stack in the sink!) or making the bed every morning (it's just going to get messed up again at night!) But I am mature enough to recognize that there can be some value in these conventional behaviors ... since the state of one's apartment is a delicate balancing act that can have major implications for your social life.

So. How do you know when the tipping point has been reached and it is time to purge your space of old newspapers and dirty dishes? I give you five small examples. Cautionary scenes from the life of a ... friend:

1. Your econ study group in grad school refuses to meet in your apartment because they claim that "there will be bags of trash sitting in your kitchen like there were last time we came over." (Despite your vehement protest, "But it was winter! And I took it out as soon as you got there!")
2. Upon entering your apartment, your friend begins screaming "Get a maid! Get a maid!"
3. You open the refrigerator on February 6th and gaze warmly upon that wonderful casserole you made on New Year's Day and slowly close the door again to ensure that the odor does not escape.
4. Your boyfriend tells you that you have a "dirty frat guy sink" - possibly because it has not drained properly in more than three months (although that is only speculation, since he did not elaborate).
5. An ex-boyfriend, pointing to the 10-foot radius around the cat box, asks "Who's been having a kitty litter party in there?"

Arachibutyrophobia

Entirely excellent website: http://phobialist.com/

This takes self-diagnosis ... um, I mean self-discovery ... to a whole new level!

Ergophobia, anyone?

Excuse Me ... I Desperately Need to Drain My Slide ...

In honor of today being almost, but not quite, Friday, girl2 and I want to share some of our favorite consultant-isms with you. Note the perverse need to equate the most mundane events with sexual acts or bodily functions. And, yes, we've actually heard all of these around the office.

• Drain the slide. To talk through a PowerPoint slide in exhaustive detail. Commonly used when time is running short during a presentation or used as a cover when one wants to page quickly past something he or she does not understand. You all know how to read, so I'm not going to drain the slide.
• Heavy lifting. The difficult portion or majority of the work. I'm going to have to do the heavy lifting on this - I know Mary can really only handle stapling the deliverable!
• Sanity check. A read-through or doublecheck of something that was probably written at the last minute. Jen, could you take a look at this white paper? I really need a sanity check on some of these ideas.
• Big hat, no cattle. A person who has authority on paper, but no assets, such as staff or budget. Don't bother meeting with Tom - he's just big hat, no cattle.
• Blowin' and goin'. Taking off without a care in the world. Well, looks like it's Friday afternoon, so I'm blowin' and goin'!
• Up in every orifice. Repeatedly questioning or bothering. John is up in every orifice of mine about the budget.

Reassurance Weasels and Other Neurotic Animals

I broke up with my long-term boyfriend in February. Of course I looked at his website to see what he was up to. There was the regular inventory of photos of his cats. A business school trip to China. Otherwise there was nothing new ... hold on ... except a photograph of a kitten I had never seen before, with the simple caption "Maxie - the cute orange kitten.”

Who does this kitten belong to?

Why the effusive caption?

I forwarded my mother the link to his website. Nevermind China, or the tenured cats, contentedly representing the status quo, the orange kitten was the first and only thing she saw. She asked me the unanswerable. "Who is Maxie?"

"I don't know," I replied. "She probably belongs to his parents or his new lady love."

Minutes later: "Probably.”

She didn’t! (I connected the "probably" to "new lady love.”)

I emailed some friends angrily, "Why is my mother trying to push my buttons?!"

My most honest friend - sitting on a perch only an engaged woman has admission to - was the first and only to response to my electronic outcry: "The poor woman was supposed to say, 'There's no way he would get a kitty with anyone else, sweetiepie!'? You're such a reassurance weasel."

I stared at those two words indignantly: reassurance and weasel. Seeking ... hm ... sympathy, I IM girl2.

girl1: i can't believe she called me that. i hate her
girl1: i AM a reassurance weasel
girl1: i need to stop
girl2: everyone is
girl1: i'm pretty bad though
girl2: i am refraining from saying you are not

I rest my case.

Birth of a Blog

The following (nearly complete) transcript follows the harrowing, painful labor that brought our little dream into the world ...

girl1: what are we going to talk about on our blog?
girl2: maybe we should have a few themes
girl1: yes
girl2: let's brainstorm!
girl2: pop culture
girl2: work
girl2: funny daily stories and rants
girl1: personal life is out, since we have none
girl2: we can have a place holder
girl2: or like 1,004 days and girl2 still hasn't gone out on a date
girl1: you mean we're not devoting this to my cat?
girl2: so….
girl2: our tone?
girl2: self-effacing
girl2: caustic
girl2: insightful
girl1: yes
girl2: yes
girl2: we could create a thermometer
girl2: a status on our livesgirl1: ok!
girl2: we could post our conversations on various topics
girl1: yes!
girl1: but we will have to mask our names
girl2: yes
girl2: i don't want to piss anyone off or get fired
girl1: that would be bad
girl1: like washingtonienne
girl2: it could turn into one of those "my best friend stole my diary" scenarios
girl2: and i already have so few friendsgirl1: i am very secretive
girl2: what else
girl2: frankly, i am doing all the brainstorming here
girl1: i know
girl1: i hate brainstorming
girl1: i just let everyone else take over
girl1: and then reject things
girl2: i see that
girl2: so what ideas do you like so far
girl1: (a) convos between us
girl2: yes
girl1: (b) news [out - boring]
girl2: ok
girl1: (c) funny daily stories and rants
girl1: (d) pop culture
girl1: (e) work
girl1: (f) status of lives
girl1: ummmmm ....
girl1: what else?
girl1: i want to include the signs from the bathroom
girl1: but that would easily out us
girl2: we could post this exchange
girl1: i think we should
girl2: as the birth
girl1: the birth of the blog!
girl2: we are so good
girl1: we really are
girl1: even though everyone else reading it will be bored
girl2: but
girl1: yes?
girl2: can we clean up my spelling?
girl1: no
girl2: i have a reputation
girl1: for what? bad spelling?
girl1: yes, you do
girl2: we did the unbelievable
girl1: what?
girl2: we have legitimized our IM addiction
girl1: ha!
girl2: i wish we still had the picture of the lady pointing at you while you take a crapper
girl2: maybe i still have it
girl1: okay ... so i like the life thermometer or whatever it is idea
girl1: i think it's about work and life
girl2: ok
girl1: weird things
girl2: ok
girl1: whatever
girl1: are we closer?
girl1: i'm sure it will evolve over time
girl1: like all good things
girl2: this is going to be the modern girl's version of waiting for godot
girl1: yes
girl1: exactly
girl2: I LIKE IT
girl1: ME TOO
girl2: can i pretend i am not 31?
girl1: you can pretend to be however old you want to be
girl1: you are 24
girl2: thanks
girl2: 27 was my best year
girl1: fine
girl1: oh, btw
girl2: yes
girl1: we will have to edit out any snarky comments about our friends in our IM exchange
girl2: yes, yes
girl2: we will edit
girl2: BUT
girl2: that includes spelling
girl1: yes
girl1: okay
girl1: fine
girl1: that includes your spelling
girl2: we will title it birth of a blog
girl1: i love that we had that long conversation just to say this is a blog about nothing
girl2: perfect really
girl1: i know
girl2: but
girl1: yes?
girl2: i still need a cookie
girl2: i guess i have an apple
girl2: close enough
girl1: i think you're substituting cookie for something else
girl2: probably